Bedtime Random Tots.

Sadness is when you feel 委屈 but can't tell anyone.

When you have to explain yourself to your friend, maybe you are not such close friends..

True friend knows the soul behind the person and trust in your character while acquaintances judge you by what they see on the surface.

The cheapest things on earth are words.

Sigh, why am I feel sad sad sad?

Non Toothache

Lying on my bed doing my pre-sleeping reflection (hee, the meditation for lazy people),  the wise words of Venerable Thich Nhat Hanh came to my mind.

"When we have a toothache, we know that not having a toothache is a wonderful thing. When we do not have a toothache, we do not appreciate our non toothache."

This is a tendency many of us are guilty of isn't it? Me too sometimes. :p.  When we are out of job, we would appreciate to have a job. When we have a job, we start having misgivings about certain aspects of our job. When we are alone, we appreciate the company of friends we enjoy being with. When we have their company, we start being critical of aspects of them we used to overlook, maybe a louder than usual way of talking, maybe a particular quirk, maybe for being late..

And perhaps it's simply the working of our human nature, something innate in us, that we constantly strive to seek for and expect more, better, greater.. What used to not matter, matters. What used to matters, doesn't matter.

I mustn't forget this is simply human nature. A dreamer who is not realistic is naive. hmm.. why do i feel a little ache. Think i should just go sleep. I think i think too much. heheh.

Integrity

"Integrity is doing the right thing even when no one is watching."

Friend says i'm being naive. She said 95% of people don't have integrity and 100% of guys cheat. Hmm.. That's a little extreme. I mean, i do know of people who exhibit such characteristics which i really admire. But she said i'll never know..that it could be just appearance..:(. I guess i am lucky i really do know of good guy friends who i think will not cheat, or at least think it's wrong, even if i have heard and know of many who does, including an ex i trusted totally and a guy i dated many months back... (Please give me some hope!!)

Anyway, what I mean is, things like speeding, being on time for work, extending parking time limit etc, these are wrong things many of us are guilty of now and then, even when we know someone is watching, because we are all imperfect beings striving to be perfect and hoping for some slack once in a while in this sometimes harsh world. heheh.. at least that's excuse from me. ;P.

But when it calls for doing the right thing when no one is watching, decisions that will impact others, when we alone are the gatekeeper, do we have the integrity to do the right thing. I am not perfect myself, and i have fallen down too in this journey of life. But the belief is, you always strive to do the right thing. Doing the right thing when you are the only gatekeeper. This allows you to keep your relationships, your work and your life in harmony. It allows you to be able to look straight into someone's eye, knowing you have always acted or tried to act with the best intention.

My friend says it's good i have hope. Why do i feel sadness that she said that? I think her past relationship experience had really changed her. She said maybe. Now she's just cynical.. I am feeling a little sad. And i thought of my friend whom i catch up with last night. Was feeling happy and excited for him. Yet he is also turning negative and cynical and i told him he kill my interest to talk to him. Told him his negativity kills friendship and drains energy. He said people around him these days are like that, and it's good because it makes him critical and analyze things..

:(

Woke up this morning to see my fren's text last night, "Sorry to make you angry." :(

I wish everyone can be happier..

A flower to brighten up the day. Hope it'll be a positive day ahead!!

My (unorthodox) Car Meditation

I like driving home on a night like this.. the night is quiet, the air is chill and the road is a nice smooth drive. My soul is at peace. Bliss... :)
 
I like driving home on a night like this. It feels relaxed, like my soul is at it's natural state. Quiet. No more deadline to rush, no all sorts of people to deal with, no clutters. Just be.

And then in this natural state, i find that i could be thinking about things or not thinking about things. Feeling relaxed and at the same time feeling an ache.

An ache.. i mean an ache in the heart. How could this be? I don't know how to describe it. It's not like i'm sad, or feeling sorrow or anything.. i just felt an ache... Sometimes, i like to think that perhaps we have more than one consciousness that operates separately in our body. Such that, here i am feeling relaxed, i can at the same time noticed the ache in my heart. How strange.. And perhaps, it is in quiet moment like this, that i can sense this even more acutely. 

I just google the definition of ache. It is defined as such:

n.

1. A dull, steady pain. See Synonyms at pain.

2. A longing or desire; a yen.

3. A painful sorrow.

So, could it be a painful sorrow that's embedded in me for the longest time? That on a night like this, when everything is at peace and on a natural state, the sorrow had felt safe to emerge? Or could it be a longing.. feelings i am trying to suppress and be zen about. Or maybe acting zen but not really being zen. hmm. whatever..

Anyway, on a night like this. I don't need to think so much. Just feel and observe...  the calmness, the ache, the peace, the bliss.... ya.. and of course, the road. heheh.

Keeping Cool

Hehe. Like the pic of the zen master in deep contemplation. I must also practise more self reflection.

Keeping out of Harm's Way

A nice reminder.

" when bullied and wronged by others, one should remain unruffled. If one observes the situation but does not react, then chances are that one will be unharmed."

Happy

Happy. :)
Things in perspective. Enlightenment. Sense of worth, Friendship. Affection. Respect. Valuing. Self esteem. Admiration. Chivalry. Energy. Laughters. Relaxed. Ideas. Conversations.

Friendship.

Everything happens for a reason.

Friend text me that she missed her ex so much it really hurts. So i shared with her this quote which she said is really good and she tagged me and posted it on her facebook. :) Hmm.. it's a quote to remind myself too..



"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
— Marilyn Monroe

Righting a Wrong

I'm happy with myself today. :)

 Blur me unknowingly did something which i realized was a mistake only much later. I could just ignore and pretend that nothing was wrong and save myself all the troubles to address it. And the other party would probably not protest nor say anything. Yet, it would have made the person feel 委屈and shortchanged...and probably disappointed.

Actually, it would be easier to simply brush it aside but i know feelings would be hurt if i ignore it. Hence i decided to address what was uncomfortable and took action to right the grievances i had unknowingly created. The person told me it was a small matter, not to worry about it and initially refused to accept what i had corrected saying it was a trivial matter. Yet, from the facial expression, i knew that it really did matter and i was glad i took it on instead of brushing it aside. In fact, the person later looked embarrassed. I gather the person must have had bad thoughts and impression of me before i broached the matter, and probably even made complaints about me had i not stepped up to clarify and rectify it.

We really need to be responsible for our action, even if it was not our intention to do wrong. I really hate addressing awkward and uncomfortable conversations and i'm glad i addressed it today. Otherwise, life goes on but misunderstanding would have been created and feelings and friendship would have been hurt. And most importantly, i won't have to be bogged down by nagging thoughts that i have let someone down or hurt feelings.

Irony again... and more thoughts. :)

Some old memories came visit yesterday after some chats with my old friends from uni. Missed those good old days and felt a tinge of irony..

Irony is when you were the first couple in the group while the others were still trying to search for their love and yet today, both of you are still single, while the rest have all settled down..


Irony is when you don't meet nor stay in touch from the one from past life you tried to walk away from, yet he often will just quietly appear when he knows you are in trouble..


Irony is when, 当我学习了快乐是怎么去活在当下, to forget about the past and not to unduly worry over the future and to embrace 当下所有, 当下遇到的人却突然顾虑着the past and the future.

It's nice to reminiscence about the good old days and the nostalgic past once in while, people whom had made your life rich and helped shaped who you are one way or another along the way, the ones who brings a smile to you with their silliness, or the one who brought a tear (and who could because they had touched your heart in the first place..)

But the past is long gone...just like the person who looks into the future. Past and future are not at the present. I mustn't wait for tomorrow to be happy.. because tomorrow may never come anyway.. and who knows what happens right after you arrived where you dreamt of..things will still move.. Life is a constant flux. I shall just focus on staying happy, living in the moment, be kind, be compassionate and live a right life! :)

I'm really happy we can get to be reborn everyday! Heaven and hell is all in the thoughts and everyday is filled with new possibilities! :D

Ok. Time to go read the book my friend has lent me. So many books so little time!! But before that, some inspiration to share. :)

With metta
jean :)

Irony

Friend: It's an irony isn't it Jeany.. I was so brimming with happiness when i told you about my new love in dec. Now i'm in such a mess.. 

Me: hmmm... but then, you won't have known in advance that it would turn out like that.. 

And i thought to myself of my own situation... yeah.. me too.. i didn't thought it would turn out like that.. Just wanna be happy and it made me feel worst. I think i am better off with friends and books for company. Oh ya, and practice more zen.

Just gonna stay happy happy happy! :)
 Hope everyone will be happy.

A book i got for my friend. May she find peace soon.

聲聲慢

On Facebook, Friends and Staying Connected

Had a really nice catch up with a girlfriend last night. :)  It had been a few months since she returned back to work in Germany, after living here for the past few years, so i was eager to see her again and to check on what she had been busy with. I mean there's some updates on pictures and statuses on her fb and we did chatted online. But nothing beats meeting face to face, the focused presence, chilling over a meal and a drink, and just chat and let the conversation flows. And anyway, as it turned out, her life had indeed been happening!! haha! Which she kept from her fb facade. And i'm feeling excited too. haha! And it was really nice giving updates, sharing stories and experiences, encouraging each other, giving second opinions and simply having much to laugh over. Ah.. such is the simple pleasure in life. :) I like!

Anyway, so my friend was telling me, even though she was away, she was kept very much up to date on what's happening in Singapore. All thanks to facebook which she felt churned out news faster then Reuters. ( And of course iphone fb apps too, which allows access with just a touch on the screen.) And so, she was aware of stuffs before they were in the news, about the MRT breakdown, the ministers salary adjustment etc etc. haha.

And so too, she was updated on the relationship status of a common guy friend through fb, having seen the picture of him and his new gf on fb. But she also commented that back in Germany, she had became more mindful, as Germans in general are rather private people. So no tagging of people, or putting up pictures with others before seeking for their approval. And apparently, she is now the one who is most updated on friends update among her friends back home as many of them are not as active on fb. But for her, with friends across various countries, fb is a convenient tool to help keep in touch, which without which, she would be too busy or lazy to stay in touch.

And then we spoke about a friend who had recently got married and i happened to be one of the few invited guests. My friend was surprised this friend was not in my fb. And even more amazed that recently i added his wife just so i can access the wedding photos. Haha! I told her that it's not really that amazing. Afterall, i know the wife separately, and in fact,indirectly, i was the link to how their paths crossed. But as to why they are not on my fb, i guess the need didn't arise. I think maybe they did tried adding me before, but i was new to fb then and wanted to keep different groups separately and conveniently ignore and delayed the adding. (although after one round i am minimizing my fb again. lol) Anyway, it's not like you are not friends if you are not connected on facebook. My good friend is not in my facebook. Many of my closer friends are not active on facebook, and some are like quiet visitors or even stalkers! lol So it's not really a big deal.


Besides, there's other more effective ways to keep in touch, like the group chat on watsapp which is a better and more private way of staying connected and having private conversations with the same group of friends. But for me still, msn remains the best way to keep connected. (and i miss icq..) And i do miss letters...or at the very least, emails...

And while we were on fb, my friend again was surprised to learn that i have a main facebook account, secondary fb account and third tier fb account. And then still, the need to have blocked groups in each account! lol. "Why the need for so many accounts?", she asked. Afterall, you can just block access to your wall. I told her that was before i realised fb is never private or rather privacy setting is not totally foolproof. I once had a colleague commented on my status update even though i had blocked work friends from my wall. That totally freaked me out. And that was when i found out that while people you block on your wall have no access to to your wall, they can still receive updates through news feed... So anyway, I think at that point, i got my friend thinking about the potential merit of keeping separate accounts.

Anyway, i think there are both merits and disadvantages in keeping an active fb presence, and it also depends on an individual personality and situation (example for someone traveling alot, fb can be a useful tool to keep connected) I am currently trying to be on a cautious mode though. In fact, one of my new year resolution is to quit fb or rather, to be less active. (not sure if i can stick to it but for now, i am trying. :p)

 

For me, i have been reflecting and i realized that left uncheck, fb can really be a quite a distraction and a drain of time. In addition, the other day, this thought just came to my mind... if we were to display all emotions openly and indiscriminately, then there are no private feelings left to share and express to a special few..

 But maybe i am just being conservative.. After all, already 2 years ago, the economist published an article on how the social network are changing the way people communicate, work and play. Another article i read reported about how "the world spends roughly eight billion minutes on Facebook daily" and how "you never know where your own contribution to all this re-acquainting and social climbing and self-promoting will take you.." Or considering that there are now 800 million active facebook user, with more than 50% of active users log on to fb on any given day...It's really amazing, the facebook movement.. And here i am, thinking of slowly toning down my activity...

Anyway, just some thoughts on facebook and friends, plus some bad grammars which i'm too lazy to vet through.

And here's a closing quote to ponder from this blog i came across: 

“ - Facebook Friends don't mean much either. As the saying goes, you are lucky if you have two friends who you can completely trust. Most people on Facebook have over a hundred "friends". By using the term to apply to every most casual acquaintance, we devalue its meaning and encourage fleeting superficial relationships. Friends are about quality, not quantity. Facebook friends accumulation is like checking who caught more fish.  “Friends don't let friends use Facebook

Communication, Miscommunications and Gossips

I wonder if my communication and social skills had been getting worst recently. Not sure if it's because as you grow older, you get lazier, more anti-social and simply do not bother as much to seek for social acceptance. Hmm, this is really no good... Three examples:

1. Catch up with sis and asked about their trip after the family was back from a vacation. Our chitchat overheard by nephew was interpretated wrongly and innocently communicated to the people whose names we had mentioned. A misunderstanding was created and sis asked if she should ask nephew to go clarify since she can always vouch for me and the younger one can verify that he was there and had not heard me say that. It was too much hassle and my nephew was just a little kid. Indeed, the poor boy was already feeling very guilty after my sis and bil had a session with him on the seriousness of passing on information without verification and creating miscommunication, as well as why it is not appropriate to share family conversations, verified or not, to outsiders.

Besides, i did not want to make the persons involved to be embarrassed by bringing up the story about them. Didn't think it was a big deal.. and i thought "清者自清"...and anyway, it had already happened and clarifying will just " 越描越黑"... but perhaps i was wrong... for i just realized that i have created others' misunderstanding of me...

2. While overseas, found myself in a social setting (a circle i was not too close with) after i was involved in an event while my closer contacts who didn't have any responsibility over the event "siam" and went out to have fun. Anyway, so i joined this circle for some drinks and conversations turned into gossips, which included names i know, none from my inner cicle but one whom had been quite nice to me on the few occasions we interacted. So anyway, there i sat there and listened to them talk. At first, it sounded interesting. Then i thought to myself... this is so scary... the person being talked about could well be me, or anyone there on the lounge that day, if we had happened not to be there in person that day. And as i sat looking at the person sharing the tibits of gossips, i felt nauseated..

3. I had been flying kites.. for the wrong reason. Over Christmas period, i stood a friend up because i thought catching up with him alone would create more misunderstanding between me and this lady friend of his (ok, and mine too, before she acted weird and confusing and most importantly picked on me for no reason or explanation).

So anyway, i think my friendship with him was an issue for her (although she told me she wished he'll leave her alone..but anyway, that's between them) so i decided in the end, albeit feeling really bad about it, to tell him that i could not make it for the appointment. Although the reason i gave for not being able to make it was totally legitimate and factual, i could have arranged to meet up on another time or day if i had indeed been sincere. Actually, i should have just tell him straight my concerns for not wanting to meet. I'm sure he would understand..


From my recent experiences, i have come to three conclusions.


One, where there are people, there will be gossips and 是非.

Two, everyone loves gossip, provided that it is not on them. An untrained mind is one which receives information without verification. A gossip is one who spread negative information about others. An energizer is one who spread positive news about others. I shall strive to be the energizer! :)

Three, I do have a tendency to avoid conversations that are uncomfortable or awkward. I must really try to be conscious of this and make an effort to confront this weakness.

Character is Destiny

All i wanna say is, Character is Destiny...
and i wish you happiness.

One Year in Timor

Went to check out a photography exhibition, One Year in Timor, at The Art House earlier today. The photographs were the work of a photographer who spent a year volunteering in Timor Leste (aka East Timor). There wasn't a lot of photographs on exhibit but the photographs were rather nice, and so i still ended up being late for a dinner appointment with a friend. :p

Anyway, one of my goals for this year is to learn to take better photographs with my micro four third. ( ok, so mine is a beginner's camera and i was made fun of by my basic photography teacher. But it's a first step! ) Till now, I am still using automatic mode whenever i take photos, and actually, most often with my iPhone..I'm really doing no justice to my camera!

Anyway, below is my favorite photo from the exhibition, A Hamlet in the Forest. Don't ask me why but something about it just drew me in and i came back for it for a second time before i left.

And here's an interesting snapshot outside the art house using my most handy camera, the iphone. :p

One Day

One Day. I picked up this book while at the bookstore the other day and ended up reading the whole book at the store, and buying the book as a Christmas gift for a friend because it was really good.

The story was at times funny, at times sad, at times warm and often time, i felt a sense of nostalgia.. I guess for me personally, i was drawn to the story because it seemed to be like speaking to me.. it's like you are reading bits and pieces of your  story in a different story...and so you laughed and cried and get angry and felt the empathy for the characters as you turned the pages..

Some emotions and experiences are difficult to explain or tell others, and yet sometimes, along came a book and through it, you find some kind of validation through the story.