On Facebook, Friends and Staying Connected

Had a really nice catch up with a girlfriend last night. :)  It had been a few months since she returned back to work in Germany, after living here for the past few years, so i was eager to see her again and to check on what she had been busy with. I mean there's some updates on pictures and statuses on her fb and we did chatted online. But nothing beats meeting face to face, the focused presence, chilling over a meal and a drink, and just chat and let the conversation flows. And anyway, as it turned out, her life had indeed been happening!! haha! Which she kept from her fb facade. And i'm feeling excited too. haha! And it was really nice giving updates, sharing stories and experiences, encouraging each other, giving second opinions and simply having much to laugh over. Ah.. such is the simple pleasure in life. :) I like!

Anyway, so my friend was telling me, even though she was away, she was kept very much up to date on what's happening in Singapore. All thanks to facebook which she felt churned out news faster then Reuters. ( And of course iphone fb apps too, which allows access with just a touch on the screen.) And so, she was aware of stuffs before they were in the news, about the MRT breakdown, the ministers salary adjustment etc etc. haha.

And so too, she was updated on the relationship status of a common guy friend through fb, having seen the picture of him and his new gf on fb. But she also commented that back in Germany, she had became more mindful, as Germans in general are rather private people. So no tagging of people, or putting up pictures with others before seeking for their approval. And apparently, she is now the one who is most updated on friends update among her friends back home as many of them are not as active on fb. But for her, with friends across various countries, fb is a convenient tool to help keep in touch, which without which, she would be too busy or lazy to stay in touch.

And then we spoke about a friend who had recently got married and i happened to be one of the few invited guests. My friend was surprised this friend was not in my fb. And even more amazed that recently i added his wife just so i can access the wedding photos. Haha! I told her that it's not really that amazing. Afterall, i know the wife separately, and in fact,indirectly, i was the link to how their paths crossed. But as to why they are not on my fb, i guess the need didn't arise. I think maybe they did tried adding me before, but i was new to fb then and wanted to keep different groups separately and conveniently ignore and delayed the adding. (although after one round i am minimizing my fb again. lol) Anyway, it's not like you are not friends if you are not connected on facebook. My good friend is not in my facebook. Many of my closer friends are not active on facebook, and some are like quiet visitors or even stalkers! lol So it's not really a big deal.


Besides, there's other more effective ways to keep in touch, like the group chat on watsapp which is a better and more private way of staying connected and having private conversations with the same group of friends. But for me still, msn remains the best way to keep connected. (and i miss icq..) And i do miss letters...or at the very least, emails...

And while we were on fb, my friend again was surprised to learn that i have a main facebook account, secondary fb account and third tier fb account. And then still, the need to have blocked groups in each account! lol. "Why the need for so many accounts?", she asked. Afterall, you can just block access to your wall. I told her that was before i realised fb is never private or rather privacy setting is not totally foolproof. I once had a colleague commented on my status update even though i had blocked work friends from my wall. That totally freaked me out. And that was when i found out that while people you block on your wall have no access to to your wall, they can still receive updates through news feed... So anyway, I think at that point, i got my friend thinking about the potential merit of keeping separate accounts.

Anyway, i think there are both merits and disadvantages in keeping an active fb presence, and it also depends on an individual personality and situation (example for someone traveling alot, fb can be a useful tool to keep connected) I am currently trying to be on a cautious mode though. In fact, one of my new year resolution is to quit fb or rather, to be less active. (not sure if i can stick to it but for now, i am trying. :p)

 

For me, i have been reflecting and i realized that left uncheck, fb can really be a quite a distraction and a drain of time. In addition, the other day, this thought just came to my mind... if we were to display all emotions openly and indiscriminately, then there are no private feelings left to share and express to a special few..

 But maybe i am just being conservative.. After all, already 2 years ago, the economist published an article on how the social network are changing the way people communicate, work and play. Another article i read reported about how "the world spends roughly eight billion minutes on Facebook daily" and how "you never know where your own contribution to all this re-acquainting and social climbing and self-promoting will take you.." Or considering that there are now 800 million active facebook user, with more than 50% of active users log on to fb on any given day...It's really amazing, the facebook movement.. And here i am, thinking of slowly toning down my activity...

Anyway, just some thoughts on facebook and friends, plus some bad grammars which i'm too lazy to vet through.

And here's a closing quote to ponder from this blog i came across: 

“ - Facebook Friends don't mean much either. As the saying goes, you are lucky if you have two friends who you can completely trust. Most people on Facebook have over a hundred "friends". By using the term to apply to every most casual acquaintance, we devalue its meaning and encourage fleeting superficial relationships. Friends are about quality, not quantity. Facebook friends accumulation is like checking who caught more fish.  “Friends don't let friends use Facebook

Communication, Miscommunications and Gossips

I wonder if my communication and social skills had been getting worst recently. Not sure if it's because as you grow older, you get lazier, more anti-social and simply do not bother as much to seek for social acceptance. Hmm, this is really no good... Three examples:

1. Catch up with sis and asked about their trip after the family was back from a vacation. Our chitchat overheard by nephew was interpretated wrongly and innocently communicated to the people whose names we had mentioned. A misunderstanding was created and sis asked if she should ask nephew to go clarify since she can always vouch for me and the younger one can verify that he was there and had not heard me say that. It was too much hassle and my nephew was just a little kid. Indeed, the poor boy was already feeling very guilty after my sis and bil had a session with him on the seriousness of passing on information without verification and creating miscommunication, as well as why it is not appropriate to share family conversations, verified or not, to outsiders.

Besides, i did not want to make the persons involved to be embarrassed by bringing up the story about them. Didn't think it was a big deal.. and i thought "清者自清"...and anyway, it had already happened and clarifying will just " 越描越黑"... but perhaps i was wrong... for i just realized that i have created others' misunderstanding of me...

2. While overseas, found myself in a social setting (a circle i was not too close with) after i was involved in an event while my closer contacts who didn't have any responsibility over the event "siam" and went out to have fun. Anyway, so i joined this circle for some drinks and conversations turned into gossips, which included names i know, none from my inner cicle but one whom had been quite nice to me on the few occasions we interacted. So anyway, there i sat there and listened to them talk. At first, it sounded interesting. Then i thought to myself... this is so scary... the person being talked about could well be me, or anyone there on the lounge that day, if we had happened not to be there in person that day. And as i sat looking at the person sharing the tibits of gossips, i felt nauseated..

3. I had been flying kites.. for the wrong reason. Over Christmas period, i stood a friend up because i thought catching up with him alone would create more misunderstanding between me and this lady friend of his (ok, and mine too, before she acted weird and confusing and most importantly picked on me for no reason or explanation).

So anyway, i think my friendship with him was an issue for her (although she told me she wished he'll leave her alone..but anyway, that's between them) so i decided in the end, albeit feeling really bad about it, to tell him that i could not make it for the appointment. Although the reason i gave for not being able to make it was totally legitimate and factual, i could have arranged to meet up on another time or day if i had indeed been sincere. Actually, i should have just tell him straight my concerns for not wanting to meet. I'm sure he would understand..


From my recent experiences, i have come to three conclusions.


One, where there are people, there will be gossips and 是非.

Two, everyone loves gossip, provided that it is not on them. An untrained mind is one which receives information without verification. A gossip is one who spread negative information about others. An energizer is one who spread positive news about others. I shall strive to be the energizer! :)

Three, I do have a tendency to avoid conversations that are uncomfortable or awkward. I must really try to be conscious of this and make an effort to confront this weakness.

One Day

One Day. I picked up this book while at the bookstore the other day and ended up reading the whole book at the store, and buying the book as a Christmas gift for a friend because it was really good.

The story was at times funny, at times sad, at times warm and often time, i felt a sense of nostalgia.. I guess for me personally, i was drawn to the story because it seemed to be like speaking to me.. it's like you are reading bits and pieces of your  story in a different story...and so you laughed and cried and get angry and felt the empathy for the characters as you turned the pages..

Some emotions and experiences are difficult to explain or tell others, and yet sometimes, along came a book and through it, you find some kind of validation through the story. 

Love You Like A Love Song

While catching up over the previous weekend, KY told me that every time she heard of this song by Selena Gomez, she would think of me. Hee.. it's nice to know when people thinks of you. :) She said that she didn't know why but somehow the song always reminded her of me. And today, i dunno why but this song kept playing in my head as i was driving home earlier.






And as we chatted away that day, i remember my dear friend telling me. " You know, we always wanted to be safe and very sure before we open our heart to someone else. But maybe it's like playing cards... to draw a card, to draw our king eventually, we need to first throw a card..."

I thought the way she put across was really impressive. She said she heard that from some celebrity on a talk show. Anyway, that's so true isn't it? When we were young, we don't consider nor think too much. When you like a person, you just like a person. And yet, as we grow older, we consider and worry over too many things.

I remember this guy i was dating once telling me that i was really aloof. That would be the last thing my friends and colleagues would say of me. And yet, that was what he said after i told him that i think his character was too lousy for us to continue trying. He said he had acted tough and rude as he felt insecure and i was rather aloof. Okay, that was bad excuse to be mean to me. But then perhaps, there were some pinches of truth there...

And often time, it's indeed true that i find myself fleeing..whenever feelings start to make me feel vulnerable. I guess it had became an automatic self defense mechanism... That which can't touch you, can't hurt you. So it was fun for a while. And one day, when you realize the potential of someone to even remotely hurt you, you immediately put on your shield..

I think i am my own real serious problem.

Fair Weather Friend(s)

I've been thinking why i have been feeling bothered by the fact that a girlfriend had not celebrated my birthday with me. I mean i have friends who also only just text me birthday wishes during my birthday and i was already very happy to just receive the text messages.

Yet, why do i feel weird/disappointed (i am not sure what's the right emotion...disappointed? hurt? pissed?) when this particular friend doesn't seem to bother that it was my birthday, only sending me a text and messaging me on fb at the END of the day of my birthday. When she doesn't bother to sign a birthday card someone else had prepared and ask her to signed on, did not initiate to go celebrate together, nor was free when another tried to fix a dinner session, yet at the same time, can ask you out to accompany her to go blading, a late night drink and hang out together overnight to study etc....all the while making no special mention about your birthday.. As if it's something invisible and insignificant.. And yet, true to heart, you know you have always been there or at least tried to be there when she needed help or a listening ear.

Then it dawned on me that, despite appearances to others, she is just treating me as a second tier friend. I'm just a friend to be used, not to be valued and I guess there will always be people who collect friends and people who make friends. My friends told me not to be bothered by this, that we can't control how others treat us and that i felt this way because friendship has to be reciprocal and especially since i get nothing out of the relationship, i should just walk away. I guess they are right.. Anyway, i have many other dear friends who had touched me and demonstrated through actions that they valued me and will be there for me. So actually, i am already very blessed. :)

I have thought it through and i realized that there's nothing you can do about how others treat you. However, you do have a choice to spend your time rightly with people who deserves it. Hence, i shall categorized my friendships accordingly as well - Close friends, dear friends, good friends, old friends, hanging out friends, fb friends and fair weather friends..

"Friendship is mutual reciprocity of affection and purpose."----Aristotle.

A Nice Catch Up

A was in town and initiated for a catch up. We finally fixed on a date cos GY had a really tight schedule and so i postponed the date i made with a friend since it's not everyday that A's in town and rarer still that he initiated to catch up. So we had a gathering, just the three of us. And i was glad we made the effort to meet. For the evening turned out to be fun, and we chatted and joked and jabbed like the good old days... those days when the three of us would hang out together. And of course we took the opportunity to catch up with what's going on in one another's life.

While driving to our dinner venue, A revealed that he had not kept in touch as his wife felt really sensitive about me cos she knew that he used to go after me. I told him i thought he didn't want to be my friend anymore. Actually, i had been rather disappointed with him when he just simply avoided us after he got attached to his girlfriend(now wife). And i wasn't the only one who felt it. He explained that it was simply stressful trying to rationalize with his gf then. Hence, he took the easiest way out which was to avoid me.

Anyway, i'm glad he cleared this. It's nice to catch up with old friends who had been part of a certain phase in your life. And it's nice to know that we can still chat and joked like the old times.

My 小红

A colleague commented recently that it's time i switch to a new car. " Buy a bigger nicer car.. and no red color..." he offered his well intended advice. "Thanks for the advice, but no thanks..", i countered.

I think my little red car has served me well for the past 5-6 years. It's really 麻雀虽小, 五脏俱全. For me, the purpose of a car is to transport me from point A to point B. I don't need help from the size and make of a car to tell the world how successful i am (not to mean that i am so successful though) or feed my ego further. Nor am i someone who is passionate about cars and will appreciate all the outstanding performance etc of a good car. My colleagues occasional lunch-time conversations on cars does still confuses me! haha!

But i love my 小红. It went through many ups and downs with me. It was an impromptu purchase..but nevertheless a purchase i have never regretted. It accompanied me through the period when i just returned Singapore from Europe, trying to start my life afresh, trying to move on with my life, healing a broken heart while having to smile hard at the world and pretended that i was happy.

It was a transition from times in the past when i was without car and enjoyed privileges of  ex or friends with cars coming to fetch me to a time of empowerment. Of being independent, and free and alone..

It was with me during the few occasions when despite myself, the tears would drop as i drove myself home and i  was grateful that no one was around...just me in my little red car. Times when i just sat with myself inside the car, not knowing where to go. It was there during times when i was dating hard (or trying to date hard), thinking that that was the best way to stop loving someone...

It was there too during the numerous happy times when i engaged in happy activities with my friends. Happy drives chatting with friends and driving towards activities i enjoyed that keep my life active and fulfilled. Funny adventures and mishaps i encountered, and the many traffic offences and stories i made along the way too. It was there too, at times when i suddenly have some bright enlightened thoughts while i was on the wheels. :)

These past few years had been a healing, growing and transformative period for me. I feel wiser, more contented and generally happier... and my 小红 had been there through it all, like a loyal steadfast friend..

To Be Known Without Saying Much.

Fren was telling me about his excitement looking forward to getting his new apartment key. I told him i really envy him, of which he asked me to quick go get married too. So i asked him to send some nice guys along if he come across them and he just tell me

"
..impt part is ur heart bah...
if its still closed..doesnt matter how many thousand nice guys i send ..."
 
I was a little surprised by his reply. I never tell him much and wonder how he can sense this of me. And i recalled what a good friend remarked just last week,

"..it's really kua zhang...i means the guys swarming after you...beyond my imagination...and i think like dat u also cannot find someone u like..." 

To both responses, i just laughed. Told my friend i'll make a concious effort if he'll just do his job.

Anyway, i am happy. I am happy that i have friends who don't need to know much but somehow can sense me. Isn't this one of the greatness joy in life. To somehow be known without saying. :)

Friendship and Trust

I thought i am the best friend of my best friend until i realise our reality is ours alone. Everyone attach different values and importance to different people at different times. Sometimes the importance level is the same, most times, it's not equal. But i think, over time, conciously or unconciously, we will react to adjust the dynamics to an equilibrium level.

Told my good friend something i came across recently, only to realise he knew it since a long time ago. I asked him why he didn't ever mention to me before and he said it was a secret he's supposed to keep. I should be happy that my friend is a person of integrity and trustworthiness. He keeps secrets he promised. There's nothing wrong he did. Yet, i only felt hurt. We shared many secrets, confidence which i thought was of much more importance and secrecy than this, of people we knew, he had shared with me. But why not this? It's not something of a big deal or scandalous but he kept it from me for the longest time.

I guess, if he had not meant any deal to me, i wouldn't have felt anything. This is really no big deal. But the fact is, i felt hurt. I shouldn't feel hurt but anyway, that's how i felt. But the logical part of me tells me to brush it off. What does it matter? So i brushed it off. But it doesn't feel the same any more. The realization that you are not truly in the circle of trust which you imagined yourself to be in.. That your good friend has closer confidence than with you. Things change, people change. Sometimes, we live in a dream, sometimes, we need to wake up.

I guess it doesn't take one incident for distrust to build up. Prior to that, for me there were already hurt feelings, times when you were simply dropped, insincerities, rudeness. Maybe that's why i get sensitive, you lose faith.

My friend is talking about this person he protected the secret from me again. Every time we talk,  he will mention the name. It simply irks me.

Anyway, Buddha says attachment is the source of unhappiness. I shall just detach myself away. Vent my frustration, adjust and move on.