Irony

Friend: It's an irony isn't it Jeany.. I was so brimming with happiness when i told you about my new love in dec. Now i'm in such a mess.. 

Me: hmmm... but then, you won't have known in advance that it would turn out like that.. 

And i thought to myself of my own situation... yeah.. me too.. i didn't thought it would turn out like that.. Just wanna be happy and it made me feel worst. I think i am better off with friends and books for company. Oh ya, and practice more zen.

Just gonna stay happy happy happy! :)
 Hope everyone will be happy.

A book i got for my friend. May she find peace soon.

Love You Like A Love Song

While catching up over the previous weekend, KY told me that every time she heard of this song by Selena Gomez, she would think of me. Hee.. it's nice to know when people thinks of you. :) She said that she didn't know why but somehow the song always reminded her of me. And today, i dunno why but this song kept playing in my head as i was driving home earlier.






And as we chatted away that day, i remember my dear friend telling me. " You know, we always wanted to be safe and very sure before we open our heart to someone else. But maybe it's like playing cards... to draw a card, to draw our king eventually, we need to first throw a card..."

I thought the way she put across was really impressive. She said she heard that from some celebrity on a talk show. Anyway, that's so true isn't it? When we were young, we don't consider nor think too much. When you like a person, you just like a person. And yet, as we grow older, we consider and worry over too many things.

I remember this guy i was dating once telling me that i was really aloof. That would be the last thing my friends and colleagues would say of me. And yet, that was what he said after i told him that i think his character was too lousy for us to continue trying. He said he had acted tough and rude as he felt insecure and i was rather aloof. Okay, that was bad excuse to be mean to me. But then perhaps, there were some pinches of truth there...

And often time, it's indeed true that i find myself fleeing..whenever feelings start to make me feel vulnerable. I guess it had became an automatic self defense mechanism... That which can't touch you, can't hurt you. So it was fun for a while. And one day, when you realize the potential of someone to even remotely hurt you, you immediately put on your shield..

I think i am my own real serious problem.

My 小红

A colleague commented recently that it's time i switch to a new car. " Buy a bigger nicer car.. and no red color..." he offered his well intended advice. "Thanks for the advice, but no thanks..", i countered.

I think my little red car has served me well for the past 5-6 years. It's really 麻雀虽小, 五脏俱全. For me, the purpose of a car is to transport me from point A to point B. I don't need help from the size and make of a car to tell the world how successful i am (not to mean that i am so successful though) or feed my ego further. Nor am i someone who is passionate about cars and will appreciate all the outstanding performance etc of a good car. My colleagues occasional lunch-time conversations on cars does still confuses me! haha!

But i love my 小红. It went through many ups and downs with me. It was an impromptu purchase..but nevertheless a purchase i have never regretted. It accompanied me through the period when i just returned Singapore from Europe, trying to start my life afresh, trying to move on with my life, healing a broken heart while having to smile hard at the world and pretended that i was happy.

It was a transition from times in the past when i was without car and enjoyed privileges of  ex or friends with cars coming to fetch me to a time of empowerment. Of being independent, and free and alone..

It was with me during the few occasions when despite myself, the tears would drop as i drove myself home and i  was grateful that no one was around...just me in my little red car. Times when i just sat with myself inside the car, not knowing where to go. It was there during times when i was dating hard (or trying to date hard), thinking that that was the best way to stop loving someone...

It was there too during the numerous happy times when i engaged in happy activities with my friends. Happy drives chatting with friends and driving towards activities i enjoyed that keep my life active and fulfilled. Funny adventures and mishaps i encountered, and the many traffic offences and stories i made along the way too. It was there too, at times when i suddenly have some bright enlightened thoughts while i was on the wheels. :)

These past few years had been a healing, growing and transformative period for me. I feel wiser, more contented and generally happier... and my 小红 had been there through it all, like a loyal steadfast friend..

Fluid

If feelings can be fluid,

i wish mine for you 

will just flow away. 

It's been so very long

and still i feel like

i'm stuck in stagnant water

while everything and everyone else

just flows and passes me by

Further and further apart

slowly

but surely

we just grew

further 

and further

apart

one step
at a time

slowly

i say
goodbye

Springcleaning

Found this note while spring cleaning my stuff the other day. The fun thing about spring cleaning is that sometimes you'll come across items that bring you down the memory lanes, or remind you of certain state of mind at certain period of time which you could have otherwise forgotten...

Keep Smiling

She looked at him and smiled. She was aching inside. But the more it aches, the harder she smiles.

Goodbye my Almost Lover

Almost Lover

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images

You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images

And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you would never let forget these images, no

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

明天以後

RIP

慢慢的, 我会习惯
慢慢的, the numbing feelings will be gone
偶尔, 会有一点伤感,但 多半我们一定都会是很快乐的。
Just keep it inside and RIP

除了爱情还有友情
还有爱情与友情混淆的感情

谢谢你
还会让我感动

Me

I feel that I'm still the same me.
Yet, sometimes i think i am no longer me
there's something which had died inside
and something else that has grown...
sometimes, the old self will take a peer
most times, it just recede..

I wish nothing has changed

It's weird, when friends cross the lines. What do you do when you know your good buddy expresses more than platonic love to you. When it's one sided or not meant to be? What do you do? It's not the first time it happens to me, just a few years back after i broke off with ex and a further many years back with L. I managed both situation pretty well then. Yet this time, it's a weird complicated situation and all i know what to do is to shun.

Friends are different from people you date. They are the people who had been there for you, who cares for you and whom you care. People you go to when you feel shitty at work and with life. People who makes you laugh. People whom you love with affection but in a different sense. People you can't simply walk away from...

I wish we will just remain as friends. Now it's not the same and it's complicated and all i can do now is to keep a distance...and I'm sorry if this hurts you but i need some time and some space ...but i'm not walking away for good.

Feeling :(

You and Me

Why does my heart aches
we used to be you and me
what had happened to us both
to make me feel
that i am me and
you are you

Unspoken

There's too much unspoken between us.

It's been so long. And still,
when you spoke to me that way
you brought an ache to me.
.

西界

今天, ipod 反复的播放这首你喜欢的歌.

林俊杰-西界

歌曲：西界

歌手：林俊杰 专辑：西界

阳光越过窗沿
我在阴影里面
才过正午13点
就漆黑一片
没有人看得见
我心深处的阴暗面
只能眺望东边
你的世界太远
撑到想象的极限
幸福有多甜
可黑夜已吞噬我

就是拉不到你的手
因为我活在西界
只拥有半个白天
一到午后夜色就蔓延
虽然和你面对面
却看不到我的脸
感觉到你不安的视线
在西界的那一边
只能有半个白天
暗自祈祷上天的垂怜
在长夜的边缘
给我一丝光线
让你能多看我一眼

The Little Prince chapter 21

"...So the little prince tamed the fox. And when the hour of his departure drew near--

"Ah," said the fox, "I shall cry."

"It is your own fault," said the little prince. "I never wished you any sort of harm; but you wanted me to tame you . . ."

"Yes, that is so," said the fox.

"But now you are going to cry!" said the little prince.

"Yes, that is so," said the fox.

"Then it has done you no good at all!"

"It has done me good," said the fox, "because of the color of the wheat fields." And then he added:

"Go and look again at the roses. You will understand now that yours is unique in all the world. Then come back to say goodbye to me, and I will make you a present of a secret."

The little prince went away, to look again at the roses.

"You are not at all like my rose," he said. "As yet you are nothing. No one has tamed you, and you have tamed no one. You are like my fox when I first knew him. He was only a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But I have made him my friend, and now he is unique in all the world."

And the roses were very much embarrassed.

"You are beautiful, but you are empty," he went on. "One could not die for you. To be sure, an ordinary passerby would think that my rose looked just like you--the rose that belongs to me. But in herself alone she is more important than all the hundreds of you other roses: because it is she that I have watered; because it is she that I have put under the glass globe; because it is she that I have sheltered behind the screen; because it is for her that I have killed the caterpillars (except the two or three that we saved to become butterflies); because it is she that I have listened to, when she grumbled, or boasted, or ever sometimes when she said nothing. Because she is my rose.

And he went back to meet the fox.

"Goodbye," he said.

"Goodbye," said the fox. "And now here is my secret, a very simple secret:

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.

"

People i loved

There were people you loved but had to part.
Because you suddenly find yourselves facing different directions in life

There were people you loved but had to deny
Because you knew it was never meant to be

There were moments when the heart keeps bleeding
And you wonder when they would ever stop

There were moments when nothing was said
But so much was understood

思念, 早在离别前开始

A Previous Post

Sometimes, I feel a little lonely

Sometimes, I am so busy I dun have time for my loved ones

Sometimes, I think of people I should let go

Sometimes, my heart will ache

Jean

18^th August 2004. cold and tired and missed the last train and had to walked back to hotel from office.

Loneliness

Yesterday i felt so lonely. It just came suddenly. Though i dun think it's because i am here alone in Frankfurt, the cold weather here sure doesn’t help. So i checked the net to find out why one can feel so lonely like I do and I found some interesting articles. Below 2 links has the best to offer. One explains why one feels lonely and the another tells you how to fight it. Anyway, i dun feel lonely today.

Loneliness

http://mentalhelp.net/psyhelp/chap6/chap6m.htm



Self-help methods for reducing loneliness:

http://mentalhelp.net/psyhelp/chap6/chap6n.htm



Some Extracts:

* "Level V (unconscious factors): Jules Henry (1971) observed, "People are lonely because they are vulnerable and they are vulnerable because they are alone; they are vulnerable when they are without love and they are vulnerable when they have it." Almost everything that threatens us makes us aware of our aloneness. Example: the more we need others for protection (and the more we distrust our protectors), the lonelier we feel. So if we are threatened by an economic depression, by a collapse of our government, by the failure of Social Security, by war, by unemployment, we feel alone--we fear abandonment. Splitting with others over political, economic, social and other issues increases our aloneness. This may seem abstract, but Henry points out that we are vulnerable to failure every day. The fear of failure confronts us in school, at work, in sports, in love, etc. When we face failure--like taking a test--we are alone and we feel needy. When we run away from stress, we usually run alone..."



* "......But we will always be lonely because we need and want more from others than they can give..."



* “…understood that men were forever strangers to one another, that no one ever comes to really know any one... Which of us has known his brother? Which of us has looked into his father's heart?... Which of us is not forever a stranger and alone? ...we escape it (aloneness) never, no matter what arms may clasp us, what mouth may kiss us, what heart may warm us. Never, never, never, never, never..."

And i can remember so many instances when i felt this dreading feeling. Like this scene below:

We were mostly quiet,
all the way home where he gave me a ride
both were quiet
each in a world of his own
i miss him so much!
he was sitting just next to me
yet it feels so far........