Moving On

22nd August 2005

去年的今天

我生日的第二天

我与他分手了

想了很久, 才做了那个决定

不是因为他又是有事, 不能为我庆祝

而是, 想了很久, 努力了很久, 累了

事业, 真的那么重要吗, 要那么忙吗?

感情, 真的还在吗?

我, 还存在吗?

Somebody

Heard this song today while playing an old CD compilation of my favourite songs. Somebody by Depeche Mode. It's funny how some music always brings back memories of a certain period of your life. Some one from long ago used to sing this song to me.

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who’ll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She’ll get my support
She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She’ll hear me out
And won’t easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact she’ll often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me
Aaaahhhhh....

I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and
With every breath
Someone who’ll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I don’t want to be tied
To anyone’s strings
I’m carefully trying to steer clear of
Those things
But when I’m asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
I’ll get away with it
Aaaahhhhh....

Appalled

This hasn't been a good week for me. I am feeling down today again. Dunno if i will have a depression soon. Things that appalled me and are further condoned by people who should have better judgement makes me sick.

Maybe this is my character flaw. I should learn to be more detached to all things.

Loneliness

Yesterday i felt so lonely. It just came suddenly. Though i dun think it's because i am here alone in Frankfurt, the cold weather here sure doesn’t help. So i checked the net to find out why one can feel so lonely like I do and I found some interesting articles. Below 2 links has the best to offer. One explains why one feels lonely and the another tells you how to fight it. Anyway, i dun feel lonely today.

Loneliness

http://mentalhelp.net/psyhelp/chap6/chap6m.htm



Self-help methods for reducing loneliness:

http://mentalhelp.net/psyhelp/chap6/chap6n.htm



Some Extracts:

* "Level V (unconscious factors): Jules Henry (1971) observed, "People are lonely because they are vulnerable and they are vulnerable because they are alone; they are vulnerable when they are without love and they are vulnerable when they have it." Almost everything that threatens us makes us aware of our aloneness. Example: the more we need others for protection (and the more we distrust our protectors), the lonelier we feel. So if we are threatened by an economic depression, by a collapse of our government, by the failure of Social Security, by war, by unemployment, we feel alone--we fear abandonment. Splitting with others over political, economic, social and other issues increases our aloneness. This may seem abstract, but Henry points out that we are vulnerable to failure every day. The fear of failure confronts us in school, at work, in sports, in love, etc. When we face failure--like taking a test--we are alone and we feel needy. When we run away from stress, we usually run alone..."



* "......But we will always be lonely because we need and want more from others than they can give..."



* “…understood that men were forever strangers to one another, that no one ever comes to really know any one... Which of us has known his brother? Which of us has looked into his father's heart?... Which of us is not forever a stranger and alone? ...we escape it (aloneness) never, no matter what arms may clasp us, what mouth may kiss us, what heart may warm us. Never, never, never, never, never..."

And i can remember so many instances when i felt this dreading feeling. Like this scene below:

We were mostly quiet,
all the way home where he gave me a ride
both were quiet
each in a world of his own
i miss him so much!
he was sitting just next to me
yet it feels so far........

Motivation

I have been doing leg exercises and sit ups every morning since i returned from St Tropez cos i want to be lean again. But i stopped since 2 days ago. It's really quite boring and there's no motivation at all! i hope my office have some cute guys then i'm sure i'll have the motivation to work hard. kekeke.

Sunday, 7th August

Woke up at 1pm today. Yesterday was a long day and i had returned to hotel in the wee hours. Now i have a cold. Took 2 panadol for cold but it doesn't seemed to work. So i warmed a bottle of chicken essence which a friend had so kindly sent to me few weeks back. I don't really like the taste of chicken essence but it is supposed to make your body stronger.


Went to BBQ at Sue Mee's house yesterday. It was very kind of her to invite me. The BBQ was quite fun and Sue Mee's cooking was superb. Her friends and friends friends were an funny bunch of people too.


Was quite tired at the end of the day. But Alice who was supposed to send me back to my hotel kept asking me to join them at this "Asia Party" at Franfurt city. Didn't really feel like going and actually i had planned to wake up early so that i can visit the muesum tomorrow. But somehow, with Elena also joining in to persuade me, i decided to check out the place.


The disco was very crowded and have many vietnamese and Chinese, and a couple of ang mo. Very interesting. And the crowd was quite crazy too. One of their frens, whom we met there was quite crazy so it was quite entertaining for me. Most of the time, i just sat there watching people. It was really interesting.

Remembering

去年的这个时候， 我与他分手了

因为大家都变了, 也不能回到从前了

然而, 有许都的回忆,依然佑新

我记得大二那年, 初见的那一幕

记得下课后,一起散步回宿舍的那一幕

记得第一次,他唱歌给我听的那一幕

记得考试期间, 不读书 反而坐在SRC,聊到天亮的那一幕

记得我俩初吻的那一幕

记得他说爱我的那一幕

记得第一次分手难过得不能呼吸

记得坐在 President Lodge 的梯极一起看星星的那一幕

记得他很认真的对我说认识我是他来南大最大的收获

记得他对我说我是他的Little Princess可爱的那一幕

记得他常为我炒的爱心炒饭

记得他给我取的那么多外号

记得喜欢静静的看着他

记得很快乐很快乐过

记得很难过很难过

记得突然发现他变了的那天

记得发现自己好象也变了的那个早上

记得无数次的分手

记得无数次的不舍得

记得很寂寞很寂寞过

记得说过很伤人的话

记得每次"争执", 他都是静静的那个表情

记得分手那天

记得 很多很多